This post is a supplemental resource for the video below:
CHALLENGE: Take 15 minutes to write a list of how black-and-white thinking shows up in your life, and 5 specific steps you can take to recognize it and not act on it.
Tips for recognizing black-and-white thinking in your life:
- Where in your life do you explain things using absolute terms like “all” and “nothing”?
- Where in your life do you think things like “I messed up, so I’m horrible at this and I should just give up”?
- Where in your life do you think things like “If I can’t do it fully, I shouldn’t start” or “If I can’t do it the ‘right’ way, it doesn’t count”?
- When do you feel like a single mistake erases all the progress you made?
- When in your life do you feel a lot of shame or frustration over small deviations from your plan or what you “should be doing”?
- When in your life do you feel like you’re either “on track” or “off track” with nothing in between?
- Where do you judge yourself more harshly than others?
Tips for not acting on the black-and-white thinking:
- Ask yourself: “What is one middle option between the two extremes?”
- Instead of thinking something like “I failed,” think something like “I might think that I failed (recognizing the black-and-white thought), but… [insert something you overlooked when thinking in all-or-nothing terms]
- Instead of asking yourself “Did I do the whole thing?” ask yourself “Did I take a step towards the end goal?”
- Use evidence for your thought instead of the feelings you have surrounding the thought (take it to court!)
- Practice intentionally doing things to where they are “good enough,” putting 70% effort into it rather than 100%
- All-or-nothing thinking, AKA black-and-white thinking, is a common inaccurate thought process where you view things in extremes, with no room for an in-between view
- This means that you usually see things in absolute terms while ignoring any middle ground, viewing things as one extreme perspective or another extreme perspective
- You probably are having a lot of black-and-white thinking without noticing it
- Work to become better at noticing those thoughts and not acting on them!
- Black-and-white thinking shows up a lot in how you view yourself
- Any mistake, no matter how small, means you are a failure (which is not true)
- You evaluate your self-worth in black-and-white
- You often set expectations that are unrealistic and too high
- Black-and-white thinking shows up in how you go about your day-to-day tasks
- You might often be paralyzed when trying to start a task because you don’t think that you can finish it all in one go
- You can be unwilling or scared to do something because you don’t think that you will meet your (usually too high) expectations, meaning that you “fail,” so it’s not even worth trying
- You find yourself thinking “If I’m not productive, then I’m worthless” or “I missed one day of the habit I’m trying to build, so I might as well quit.”
- Negative overgeneralization
- Black-and-white thinking can make you feel a false sense of clarity by oversimplifying complex situations and emotions
- It makes you feel like you have all the answers when you really don’t
- Can often lead to negative overgeneralization
- Can be an attempt to protect yourself from failure. If you don’t start something at all, then you can’t fail at it.
- As you work on minimizing black-and-white thinking, you can:
- Reduce procrastination, avoidance, and burnout
- Step outside of your comfort zone and improve in things more easily
- Handle setbacks with more resilience
- Notice that very few things in life are truly all-or-nothing
- When you recognize your black-and-white thinking, ask yourself questions like:
- “Is this my perfectionism being a problem?”
- “What am I scared of?”
- “What am I trying to avoid right now?”
- “What middle ground am I overlooking?”
- Work to purposefully reframe your black-and-white thoughts
- Notice absolute words and soften them
- Challenge the thoughts like a detective, or take the thoughts to court, relying on facts rather than emotions and assumptions
- Set realistic goals rather than perfection-based ones
- Practice doing a task imperfectly or halfway and observe what happens
- One of the goals of reframing these thoughts is to teach yourself to let go of perfection and embrace your progress
- Don’t let yourself dismiss your partial successes
- Purposefully point them out and celebrate them
- Take it at your own pace, and be patient with yourself
- It’s important not to forget that changing your mental habits is hard and takes time, but that it will be so worth it!
- What would a “middle ground” version of this thought look like?
- What evidence do I have that contradicts this extreme belief?
- What am I afraid might happen if things aren’t pefect?
- What’s the worst that can happen if I try doing the thing anyway?
- What’s the best that can happen if I try doing the thing anyway?
- What unrealistic standards am I trying to meet?
- How can I change those standards to be more realistic?
- What would “reasonable expectations” look like in this situation?
- What would I tell a friend who had this same expectation?
- What story am I telling myself about who I am?
- Is this story actually true, or just a familiar way of thinking?
- How would I describe myself if I allowed more middle ground?
- What strengths am I ignoring because I’m focused on one or more of my flaws?
- What would progress look like instead of “perfection”?
- What did I do right today, even if it wasn’t perfect?
- What small step did I take that deserves recognition?
- What progress am I dismissing because it wasn’t flawless?
- What can I do imperfectly that still moves me forward?
- What kind of person am I becoming as I practice more balanced thinking?
Remember That:
- You are allowed to be a work in progress
- Missing a day doesn’t erase your efforts
- Progress counts even when it’s small, quiet, and/or invisible
- Progress is meant to be messy. If it’s not messy and hard, then you’re not doing it right
- Grace is not an excuse. It’s a strategy for resilience and thriving.
Reflection Prompts:
- How do I respond to myself when I fall short, and how could that response be gentler?
- How can I remind myself that effort matters more than outcome?
- What does “good enough” look like for me today?
- How can I celebrate small wins without waiting for perfection?
- What does patience with myself look like as I work to learn new mental habits?
- What does being gentle with myself look like today?
Actions to Take:
- Take one intentional pause each day to notice what you did accomplish (and if possible, write it down)
- Keep a “progress journal”
- Record small steps, not just big wins
- Set a minimum version of each of your goals
- Ex: Read 1 page, wash one dish, study for 5 minutes
- Use a more compassionate daily check-in
- Instead of asking “Was I productive?” ask “What moved me forward today?”
- End every day by naming one thing that you handled well, even if tiny
- Do one task at 70% effort and notice what happens
- Rewrite one absolute thought into a softer one
- Celebrate one partial win from the last 24 hours
- Start a task and stop after 5 minutes
Original: The whole day is ruined
- Reframe: I had a rough morning, but the day isn’t over
Original: I’m so behind
- Reframe: I’m moving forward at a pace that’s realistic for me, even if it’s slower than I wanted. Growth isn’t supposed to be fast
Original: I should’ve done more
- Reframe: I did what I could with the energy that I had today, and that’s what matters
Original: My life will never get better
- Reframe: The circumstances in life are always changing. My life will get better, as long as I don’t give up on trying my best each day
Original: I can’t do this
- Reframe: This may be really hard and scary, but if I keep at it then I will learn and become capable
Original: I didn’t finish everything on my list. I’m so unproductive
- Reframe: I finished some things, and that’s what counts. My list was probably too long for one day anyway
Original: I can’t start unless I know I have time to finish
- Reframe: Starting is valuable even if I don’t finish. Progress still happens when I do it in pieces
